


“I love you Vitya.”

by Staronet



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I need sleep, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Recovery, Self-Harm, Supportive Katsuki Yuuri, Therapy, You Decide, don't read if this will trigger you, mostly angst, sorry I am the reason we can't have nice things, up for a possible second part?, ya'll a beautiful beans who don't deserve my angsty fics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2019-07-20 06:56:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16131989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Staronet/pseuds/Staronet
Summary: His streak of ten years, gone. Ten years of work, gone. Down the drain just like that.Victors previous struggles come forth once more.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, trigger warning for self harm!

His streak of ten years, gone. Ten years of work, gone. Down the drain just like that.

He dropped the razor form his his hand, it landed with a ping on the floor of the shower. Which was drowned out by the pounding of his heartbeat. He slid down the side of the shower wall all the while staring at his wrist, blood mixed with the water as it fell from the horizontal line.

He was so stressed.

He was scared.

_Worried._

_Anxious._

_Useless._

He needed an out. He couldn’t talk to Yuuri, he couldn’t let Yuuri know that it was stressful to be a competitor and a coach. He couldn’t let Yuuri know how hard the break was on him and how much it affected his skating, if he did. Yuuri would think he was the problem that he had caused this, he would leave Victor.

He couldn’t deal if he lost Yuuri.

_“Let's end this.” Echoed in his mind._

He shed no tears but sat there until the water became too cold to bare.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Victor?”

“Yes love?” Victor looked away from the window towards Yuuri who was standing next to the open closet.

“What happened to all of our band aids?” Yuuri shook the empty box upside down.

“I wouldn’t know dearest.” Victor gave him a sharp looking smile, he felt guilt churn in his stomach as he was the one to use them all. Almost all of them covered either his thighs or his arms, they were scratching under his clothes.

Yuuri hummed, “Thats funny maybe we didn’t buy a new box at all?”

“I do tend to forget things a lot.” Guilt swarmed Victor even more.

_Liar_

_Pathetic_

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The new cuts burned under the spray of the water which was to hot for Victor to bare but he barely noticed it. He hated himself more as he leaned against the shower wall, staring at the three new lines down his thigh. 

A week ago Yuuri saw the three band aids on Victor's wrist, he lied and said an incident at the rink and the scratch was too long to cover with a band aid. He looked like he didn’t believe him but he didn’t push more.

Victor wished he had,

_Weak_

_Pathetic_

_Liar_

_Unworthy_

But he was glad Yuuri hadn’t pushed more.

He shook under the water that turned his skin red.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A month later and the ones on his arms were faded mostly away, he could take his shirt off in the dim light without worry that Yuuri would find out. However his thighs were another story, they always ached with a new wound.

“Victor.” Yuuri breathed into his mouth as they broke apart to breath, a few beats and then Victor pressed his mouth against Yuuri’s again. They kissed sweetly and slow as Victor slipped his fingers under Yuuri shirt to feel the soft skin underneath, feel the dips down his torso which caused Yuuri to gasped into their kiss. 

He soon felt hands slowly and softly lift his shirt up his torso and he gladly slipped his shirt off the rest of the way, in a matter of a few seconds Yuuri’s shirt was off as well. He moaned as Yuuri ran his fingers over his chest as he pushed him to lay back on the bed, Yuuri kissed a nipped at his neck and collarbone drawing out more noises from Victor. 

Lost in the pleasure he almost didn’t notice Yuuri start to unbutton his pants, the sound his zipper coming undone had him seize up. Without thinking he roughly shoved Yuuri away who landed on his butt between Victor’s legs.

“Victor?” Yuuri’s voice was quiet.

“I’m sorry!” Victor covered his mouth, he felt the telling signs of tears and soon his visions was watery with them.

“Did I hurt you?” Yuuri kept his distance away from Victor which broke him, he had hurt Yuuri. Made him think he had hurt him and that it was his fault.

“I’m so sorry,” He got up, “I’ll sleep in the guest bed tonight.” Yuuri was angry and he knew it, he didn’t have to look at his lovers face to see the disgust and anger. He ignored Yuuri as he left the room, he hurt Yuuri and didn’t deserve to sleep next to him.

His love and his life, Yuuri didn’t deserve him. 

Yuuri was too good for him.

As he curled up under the covers of the bed he dug his fingers into the new and healing wounds, he deserved it.

He hurt Yuuri

_Pathetic_

_Weak_

_Unlovable_

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lately he’s been falling behind in practice and its starting to really show, he’s flubbing jumps that people he age could do blindfolded, his step sequences are lackluster and he inevitably trips on his toe pick at least three times a day.

“What is going on with you old man?” Yuri stopped him during a water break.

“What do you mean?” He attempted to give him a teasing smile but it fell flat half way through.

“I mean you’re skating like you’re ten again.” 

“Yuri! Victor! Back on the ice.” Yakov yelled to them interrupting their conversation, with a sigh both skaters made their way back to the ice.

“It's like a that break ruined you.” Yuri skated off while Victor stood at the entrance to the ice.

_Broken_

_Ruined_

_Pathetic._

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He hit the ice hard.

_Worthless_

_Pathetic_

_Useless_

His thoughts drowned out the pain in his shoulder as he laid on the ice, everything a blurry mess. 

“Victor!” Yuuri was cradling his head.

“He’s bleeding!” Milia was next to him now pointing to his thigh, a surge of panic went through him which gave him enough strength to push himself up and out of Yuuri’s arms.

“Victor?”

“I accidentally cut myself yesterday wiping down my skates, it just reopened is all,” he gave a weak excuse, “I’ll just go clean it up.” he didn’t wait for them as he rushed to the locker room.

As quick as he could he slipped his skates off and pulled down half his pants to see the new cuts had broken open with the fall, with a curse he reached for the first aid kit and started to disinfect them. He had to hurry because if anyone found out it was over, everyone would hate him and would want him gone. Yakov would finally give up on being his coach, he already disappointed Yuri once. He couldn’t do that to him, not when Yuri had started to forgive him for forgetting about him and leaving Russia.

“Victor?” Yuri stood at the end of the lockers with wide eyes, “What-” Yuri trailed off as he stared at Victor with wide eyes, a look that Victor would never forget.

“Yuri.” 

Before he could say anything else Yuri ran out of the room, it was over. Yuuri would find out, he’d leave him and go to someone better.

_Someone who wasn’t pathetic or weak._

_They wouldn’t have used self harm as a way to cope, they wouldn’t have this ugly scars on their legs._

_Ugly_

_Waste_

_Des-_

“Victor.” Yuuri interrupted his spiral, he gently cupped his cheek and swiped at the tears Victor didn’t realize he had shed. “Let's go home my love.”

Victor offered no resistance as Yuuri helped him stand and adjust his pants, he let Yuuri lead them out of the rink and in the direction of home.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Vitya?” Yuuri held him to his chest as he ran his fingers through his hair, once they had gotten home Yuuri had helped him clean up and into some sweats and a t-shirt.

Victor just clung to him tighter, a silent yes.

“Can we talk about it?”

He shook his head no, he wasn’t ready for Yuuri to leave him.

Yuuri sighed and moved his hand to rub up and down Victor’s back, “Please, talk to me.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m going to ask Yakov about trusted therapists,” Victor grew ridged in Yuuri’s arms, “I won’t tell him why, I’ll even say its for me, but Victor you can’t do this.” Yuuri said after an hour of silence.

Yuuri held him closer to him, holding him like he was something to be cherished, “Please don’t hurt yourself anymore, I’m so sorry I didn’t see it before.” Yuuri started to cry which caused Victor jump up from his grasp.

“I am the one who should be sorry!” Looking down at the tear streaked face of Yuuri caused him to cry as well, how could he have hurt Yuuri like this.

“I didn’t notice Vitya, I should’ve noticed when you stopped letting me shower with you or make love with you. I should've noticed when your skating grew worst.”

“Its my fault, If I was just strong, if I wasn’t pathetic or a s-”

“Don’t,” Yuuri cupped his mouth silencing Victor’s words, “Don’t talk about yourself that way, Victor.” Yuuri shook his head.

“Please.”

With that the two held each other as they cried, Victor hiding his face in Yuuri neck even long after they had stopped crying.

“I love you Yuuri.” Victor held on to him tightly as he prayed Yuuri wouldn’t leave him.

“I love you Vitya.” Yuuri held him close to his chest as he ran his hand up and down his back.


	2. “Promise.”

“Victor?” 

Yuuri’s hand squeezes his in a silent ‘I love you’.

When he lets Yuuri’s hand go he misses the warmth and safety of it, he missed Yuuri even though he would be a room away from him.

It was a familiar sight following the therapist down the small hallway and to her office, only now she’s older and so is he. Her hair speckled with silver like his own hair, where his hair is now short hers is now long.

“Sit where you like.” She sat down first, he chose to sit as far as he could from her on the couch facing her chair. Everything was so different from ten years ago and he didn’t like it.

“How have you been Victor?” 

He shifted his gaze to his hands to hide from her eyes, he didn’t want to see her disappointment when he told her what he had done. All of their hard work was gone, gone because he was pathetic, a bastard who couldn’t handle a bit of pressure.

“Good.” he managed to say.

“I saw you got married, can you tell me about the lucky man who married you?”

He felt a smile spread on his face as he looked up to meet her eyes, “I am the lucky one, not Yuuri, he’s perfect.”

He felt more at peace as he talked about the love of his life, even with that part of him that says that Yuuri’s too perfect for him. That Yuuri doesn't deserve to waste his life on him, but for now, he covers it up when he talks about how Yuuri is with Makkachin, how when he cooks its like he’s dancing. How strong Yuuri is, how stubborn and selfish he can be, how sweet he is when he leaves notes in Victors skating bag, and especially how he smiles when he finds one in return.

“He-” Victor felt his throat tighten, “He’s the love of my life, and I don’t deserve him.”

“Victor, why are you here today?”

Tears pooled in his eyes blurring his vision, “I relapsed.”

-

He felt worn out as he made his way to the couch, he always feels this way after a round of therapy as well as a night of little sleep. He lays on his side with Makkachin curled up at the bottom of his feet, he watches Yuuri as he moves around the kitchen. However he isn’t cooking he’s hiding the knives, instructions from his therapist. 

Guilt pools in his chest, Yuuri shouldn’t have to hide the knives his mother gave to him, he shouldn’t have to deal with him.

 _If I was just gone._ He thinks to himself. _Then Yuuri would be happy and free._

He watches as he puts them all in their original case he closes the lid and locks it, now this time with a passcode that Victor doesn’t know. He closes his eyes and listens as Yuuri makes his way around the apartment.

He can hear him in the bathroom, taking their razors away and putting them in another box meant to keep him out. 

He can hear him going through their draws, checking for pencil sharpeners and anything he thinks he can harm himself with. He hears the gasp when Yuuri finds his hidden blade, he knows its a good thing Yuuri found it but that's not what his mind tells him. 

He couldn’t even hide his blade well, he knew he should’ve hidden it in Yuuri’s nightstand, he never checks that. Tape it to the top and he could have his release when he needs it. He hears Yuuri sniff and he knows that Yuuri is crying, crying because he hurt him. 

He should have just ended it all those years ago. Curling into a ball he didn’t let himself cry like his body wanted to, he didn’t deserve to be sad. He didn’t deserve to be here at all.

 

“Victor?” Yuuri’s hand is warm against his cold skin, when he opens his eyes he finds Yuuri standing over him. He looks worn out as well, his eyes red-rimmed from his crying.

He doesn’t say anything, instead, he bites his trembling lip and looks up at Yuuri who in turn courches down to be at his level. Yuuri softly tucks his hair behind his ears and he turns his head to kiss Yuuri’s palm.

“Are you hungry? I can make something if you are.”

He shook his head no.

“Do you want to go to bed instead?”

He shook his head yes.

Usually, he held Yuuri but today it was Yuuri who held him, even though Victor was taller than Yuuri he felt like he was smaller than him in Yuuri’s hold. He relaxed as Yuuri ran a hand up and down his back which started to lull him to sleep, he sighed as Yuuri placed a soft kiss on his head. 

“I love you Vitya,” Yuuri whispered into his hair, “I’ll be here with you, every step of the way.”

He curled into his hold as much as he could and cried himself to sleep.

 

-

“How did your week go?”

“It-It was hard.”

“Can you tell me why it was?”

“Yuuri locked up anything sharp.”

“Why did that make your week hard?”

He scratched at this thighs, “I couldn’t do it.”

“Can you tell me what you couldn’t do?”

Tears pooled into his eyes, “I-I couldn’t hurt myself.”

-

He wanted so badly to take Yuuri’s razor and lock himself in the bathroom. All he could do that morning was eye Yuuri’s razor as he shaved his face. He hadn’t been able to get his hands on anything sharp in a while and while he loved Yuuri so much, he didn’t have the strength to keep it up. He couldn’t keep his promise of staying clean. It had only been two weeks and damn it he needed a release.

He’s tried so hard with the techniques his therapist gave him and he’s tried to open himself up to Yuuri, but he can’t. His Yuuri is too precious too beautiful to be dragged down by him, he already struggles enough he doesn’t need Victor’s problems on top of it as well. Although he has noticed that Yuuri has gotten a bit better which all the more means he can’t drag him down.  
“Ready for practice?” Yuuri comes out of the bathroom a few moments later, he shook his head ‘yes’ not trusting his voice at the moment. The thought of practice sets him on edge, in fact, he can feel himself shaking at the moment. Ever since Yuri found him he’s avoided the teen and eventually the teen stopped trying to talk to him, he couldn’t face Yuri after what he had done.

*

“Again!” He clapped his hands to emphasize his point, Yuuri was doing great as always but something was off. He cringed as he watched Yuuri launch himself into a jump, only to over rotate and come crashing down on the ice. 

He skated up to his love as Yuuri sat on the ice, as he held out his hand he spoke, “Are you, alright love?” Thankfully Yuuri grabbed his hand and he pulled him up.

“Yeah, I’m alright.” 

Warning bells went off in his head, “Are you sure? You tend to flub your jumps when something on your mind.”

“Yes.” Yuuri’s answer was short with him.

He held his breath, Yuuri hasn’t gotten angry with him in well, he couldn’t remember when. He walled himself up against Yuuri, if he was going to be short with him he’d match it. Protect himself from that.

“Vitya!” He turned to his coach who was standing outside of his office, “My office now!” while he loved to push his coaches buttons, he now had an excuse to leave Yuuri for a bit and calm down.

“Work on you step-sequences, no jumps until I get back.” he skated to the exit and slipped on his guards as the while he kept replaying Yuuri’s tone, did he resent him for what he’s done? Did he see him starting today or did he want to leave him? No, he couldn’t think about that right now.

“Yes, Yakov?” he didn’t realize he had made it up bleachers until he about ran into his coach, needed to be more careful about that.

The man nodded his head for him to enter, “What did you want?” he stepped into the dimly lit office, he probably wanted to talk about him and his programs.

“I’ll watch Yuuri.”

He stopped, “Wha..” he trailed off as he caught sight of Yuri leaning against the wall next to the door.

“Just talk.” with that Yakov slammed the door, the locks clinking before he could protest. Now he was here, trapped with the one person he didn’t want to see. He turns away from Yuri and instead chooses to watch his Yuuri, who skates up to Yakov. The man's shoulders sunk with relief, he cursed at himself. Of course, Yuuri would be in on this, probably planned it with the other two behind his back. It stung.

“Hey, did you hear what I just said?” Yuri was now yelling at him, he didn’t hear and he doesn’t want to hear. He wants Yuri to go away, he wants to be back home, in bed or-or getting his release. 

“Oi!” Yuri grabbed his arm forcing him to face what he didn’t want to, Yuri had grown in the past few months and he didn’t realize until just now-now that he could stare at the teen without hardly moving his head.

“You can’t ignore me forever asshole.” he can and he will, he felt himself start to shake. His chest hurt and his anger at Yakov grew larger, it would take him a while to forgive him for this.

“And stop that!” he didn’t notice the sting until Yuri forced his clenched fist open, he wasn’t bleeding but it did leave marks in his palm.

“Just,” Yuri’s tone was softer now, “talk to me damn it.” Yuri’s being vulnerable, and he doesn’t deserve this.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Defensive, he was going to be defensive even if he didn’t want to. He couldn’t let Yuri see more than he already has, he cannot do that to the boy again.

“Bull shit!”

He flinched away from Yuri’s wrath.

“Fine then. I’ll start.”

 _No no no no_ he wasn’t ready, no he didn’t want to talk to him.

“Did I cause it?”

He froze.

“What?”

“You heard me, old man, did I cause it!” 

“No. No Yuri you didn’t!” he paused, “Why, would you think you did?”

This time the teen was the one who refused to answer, instead, the teen folded his arms and looked towards Yakov’s desk instead.

“Yuri?”

The teen sharply turned his gaze back to him, he felt the teens stare bare into him. “I’ll tell you if you talk to me.”

“Fine.” the word is hard to say, it suffocates him with what it means. 

Yuri seems to fight with his words as much as him which to some degree, make him feel a bit better, “I’m an asshole to you.”

“Yeah, you kind of are.” he regrets his wording when the teen flinches back, “But wait Yuri.” he fights with himself but decides he needs to, gently he grips the teen's shoulders in his hands.

“That’s you. I-I don’t know how to explain it but Yuri, that's not why.” Yuri trumbles or it's him, either way, he feels his heart beat wildly in his ears. He drops his hands from Yuri’s shoulders and instead decides to sit on one of the spare chairs in Yakov’s office, he waits and Yuri drops into the chair next to him.

“Yuri, I- this,” he fumbles for the words, I mean how do you tell someone who looks up to you why you tare your skin open.

“If I didn’t cause it, then what did?” Yuri fills the space in the conversation, which is a blessing and a curse.

“Yuri… Yura.” tears gather in his eyes and for one moment he is seventeen again, and he’s there. He’s back in that place.

_Vitya!_

_What… What are you doing_

“This isn’t the first time.”

“Vit-”

“Yura this is a relapse.”

He feels the weight that his words carry, he looks to Yuri to find staring into his lap.

“A relapse?”

“Yes.”

It was silent once more until he hears a sniff and turns to Yuri, only for his heart to break as the teen tries to choke back tears.

“Why?” Yuri asks him the token question, why? Why, why, why? Everyone wanted to know why.

“I don’t know.” it's not that far off from the truth, there we so many things. So much he couldn’t pin one down.

“But you have Katsudon, and Makkachin, you’re skating again shouldn’t you be happy?”

“Well I’m not, love doesn’t fix everything Yura. This isn’t a trashy romance book.” he regrets the harsh words as soon as they leave his mouth, while they are true. The young teen didn’t deserve to be told so harshly.

“I know that, but Katsudon makes everyone happy.”

Oh. He knew that Yuri and Yuuri were getting closer but he never realized how close, he also can’t believe he missed seeing the two get closer.

“Yeah he does, even Yakov seems to be calmer.”

“Yakov is losing his hair slower.” He laughs at Yuri’s comment, something twists in his chest and he feels himself start to cry. It was a slow climb to it but a long time coming. Furiously he wipes at the tears.

“Vitya please, don’t leave us behind.”

“Yura, I’m not-”

“Please,” Yuri wouldn’t look up at him but he knew the teen was also crying, “Mila and Georgi wouldn’t joke around anymore, Yakov wouldn’t yell at us the same, Makkachin will wait for you at the door every day. I hate dogs but I know they are loyal as fuck.” Yuri wipes away some of his tears and sniffs.

By now he doesn’t care, tears stream down his face and into his lap.

“I-I won’t be me, but Katsudon. Don’t do that to Katsudon.” 

He couldn’t hold back any longer he wraps his arms around the teen fully expecting to be pushed away, instead, Yuri hugs him back. Burying himself in the hug he and Yuri both cry, he knows this is probably the only time the teen will let him see him cry and he feels honored to share this with Yuri.

“I’m not Yuri,” he finally says, “I won’t ever do that.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

 

*

“Mari says that Yuri never replies back to her texts,” Yuuri draws lazy circles on his chest as they cuddle together on the couch, “even though he sees them.” 

He draws his own patterns on Yuuri’s back as well, after his talk and cries with Yuri he feels a bit better. At least he feels like he can talk to the teen again, however, he’ll never forget Yuri’s face when he found him.

“Vitya?”

He hummed.

“How did your talk with Yurio go?”

He freezes up. He needs to tell Yuuri about it but he doesn’t want to, he doesn't’ want to spoil the happy mood Yuuri is in.

“Good.”

“Just good?” Yuuri lifts his head and meets his gaze, he didn’t want to say much. He doesn’t want to say something and Yuri finds out and hate him for it, he’s done too much to the boy.

“Yeah.”

“Are you two talking again then?” 

“Yeah, we worked everything out.”

He closes his eyes as Yuuri places a soft kiss on his lips, then Yuuri snuggles himself back into his hold. 

“I’m glad.” He felt Yuuri kiss his collarbone and he couldn’t thank whatever deity out there enough for giving him Yuuri, he doesn’t know what he ever did to deserve him.

“I love you.” he holds Yuuri tighter to his chest as he melts into Yuuri’s hold.

“I love you too.” 

 

*

“How was your week Victor?” his therapist crosses her legs placing her notepad on her lap.

“A little better.”

“That's good to hear, how are you feeling?”

“Okay.”

“Just okay?”

He nods his head yes, he couldn’t say more. If he said more he’ll have to admit things he doesn't want to say out loud.

“How have you been coping?”

“Better, I’ve been trying the journal thing.”

“How has that been going?”

He shrugs his shoulders, he’s been trying but not that hard writing down your feelings is though, “Okay.”

“It seems like everything is okay.”

“Yeah, it is.” 

He hates lying to her, but he can’t disappoint her anymore.

*

 _I can’t believe I’m doing this_

He stands in front of the office supplies in the grocery store with a basket full of groceries that Yuuri asked him to get, Yuuri’s making dinner tonight. They don’t have practice tomorrow and he knows Yuuri is wanted to make good use of that day off, they always have dinner and then have sex on their night off. 

They haven’t done that in a while, he misses it. Yet here he is, grabbing an Exacto-knife off of the rack. Putting it into his basket and walking towards the checkout. He’s buying it.

_Why am I doing this?_

He takes the Exacto-knife out of the bag and into his jacket pocket, he won’t use it. He’ll throw it away, he can’t do this.

_But I need it_

He doesn’t, but he does.

He gets into the elevator all the while moving on auto-piolet, he needs to look happy for Yuuri. He needs to forget about the Exacto-knife that is burning a hole in his pocket, he unlocks the door to the apartment and is greeted with the barks of Makkachin.

“Hey baby.” he coos at his dog who is making it a hard time to get his shoes off.

“Hey.” Yuuri rounds the corner a gives him a kiss on the cheek, “Thank you for getting the groceries, I could have gone.”

“Nonsense, I’m happy to help.” he smiles all the while he feels the call of the Exacto-knife now hidden in the coat closet. He follows Yuuri into the kitchen to watch him cook, he sits at the kitchen counter as starts to wash the produce.

They talk about how Yuuri’s parents are doing as well as Minko and Mari’s adventures, they talk about Yurio and Otabek and how close they seem to be. He enjoys his domestic life with Yuuri, just watching him cook makes him feel better, lighter. He falls in love with Yuuri more as he watches Yuuri’s face light up as he tells a story about Phichit’s hamsters, as well as finding out about his friend's plans for an ice show. 

Later that night as he kisses Yuuri he tastes of spice and wine, Yuuri gasps into his mouth as he slowly drags his hand up his back. He lets Yuuri climb on top of him, happy to let Yuuri take the lead tonight. He’s gently pushed onto his back all while he kisses Yuuri senseless, hands roaming overs Yuuri’s toned torso.

“Yuuri,” he whispers his name as Yuuri leaves the kiss and sits back and removes his shirt, soon his shirt is on the floor next to Yuuri’s. Hands wander and touch as much skin as they can, he tugs at Yuuri’s sweatpants which Yuuri soon gets the hint and takes off. 

Yuuri mouths at his neck drawing a gasp from his lips as he feels Yuuri slowly slip his leggings off, leaving them both in their underwear. He shivers as Yuuri starts to lay kiss lower and lower, down to where he wants them. However he’s surprised when he feels Yuuri’s lips on his thigh, he opens his eyes to see Yuuri staring at the small scars that dot them.

“I love you.” Yuuri whispers before moving closer to kiss him once more, “I love you.” Yuuri keeps whispering to him, even as he slides home. He still whispers those words to him. He can’t help it but tears stream down his face, he’s fully crying in the afterglow.

“I love you,” he whispers to Yuuri as he takes cradles his face in his hands and kisses him. He doesn’t know what god to thank of if there is even one out there, all he knows is that he’s blessed to have Yuuri in his life and in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I have returned, its just past one am and I had to update. As you can see there is a question mark now because I might have another chapter or two? Idk this won't be that long but I do know that you have to have and up before a down, and well here we are. I was feeling angsty tonight but all is well in Starville. Finals are a bitch and I have two on Monday so yeah, don't become an adult. Anyways its late so I am going to sign off if there are any mistakes it is past one am in Starville.
> 
> I have a Tumblr (for now) under this name! As well as a twitter @staronet2 (I didn't put the two there they did)


	3. "I'm so sorry"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! This chapter is really rough and describes a relapse, please be careful when reading!

_Simple_

_Weak_

_Hasbeen_

He was home alone, leaning against the wall as he stared at his coat pocket. Despite his left ankle not touching the ground it hurt, pain shooting up his leg slowly driving him insane.

_Old_

_Pathetic_

_Broken_

He fell yesterday at practice, tripped on his own skate as he ran through his step sequence like a child. 

_“It's like that break ruined you.”_ he knew that Yuri didn’t mean him harm, in fact, the teen probably doesn’t remember it, but he does. He knows its irrational to hold on to it but its true, he tripped over his skate and sprained his ankle. 

_“How could I ever think I was that good to bounce back?”_

He shakes as he reaches into the pocket his fingertips brush over the cold plastic, he hesitates. Its been about a month since he last tore his skin open, a month since he got caught by Yuri and hurt his Yuuri, was he really going to throw that away?

 _Unwothry_

His ankle pulsed with pain again, he stuck his hand in all the way and took the Exacto-knife in his hand. Everything was a blur as he stumbled to the bathroom, his heart beat rapidly in his ears, his skin itched and burned with where he wanted to cut.

He knew that he shut the door making sure the keep Makkachin out as well as anyone else out, he fell to the tile flooring as his ankle half gave out on him. It hurt laying on the cold tile, it dug into his bruised hip and shoulder, chilled him to the bone.

Bracing his hands under himself he slowly sat up to lean against the bathroom counter.

_Broken_

Everything was too loud, too hot and too cold, his ankle hurt more and more with every gasp of air. He couldn’t breathe and he knew at the back of his mind what was happening, what he was about to do and it was screaming at him to stop.

_Old_

_Bastard_

Stop.

_Disgusting_

_Not good enough_

Yuuri…. stop

_Pathetic_

He was shaking too hard to open the button of his pants and the longer time went on the more he lost himself to the panic, the voices that down him out. He tugs as hard as he can until the button finally slips through the buttonhole, he tares his pants off of his legs as far as he can his ankle throbs as he uses it as leverage.

_Bastard_

He thumbs at the button of the Exacto-Knife as he tries to push it up, his breathing is labored causing him to panic even further. He was going to never escape this he was going to be trapped there like this forever, his Yuuri will come home and see him a mess on the bathroom floor. Exacto-Knife in hand that he failed to open and his pants halfway down his calf.

_Unworthy_

Stop

_Pathetic_

_Useless_

Yuuri, his Yuuri deserved someone better than him. He should have ended it all those years ago, save his family the embarrassment of having him as a son, he’d save Yuuri from having to put up with him. Yuuri would be able to find a better partner, one who wasn’t tearing their skin open because they cannot handle anything.

_Liar_

He’s lying to Yuuri. When Yuuri comes home he’ll as how he is and he will lie to his face, tell him that he is fine when really he broke his streak.

_Embaressment_

_Broken_

_Ruined_

Fire seemly licked his skin as the blade dragged across his thigh it hurt but it wasn’t enough, the first cut shallow hardly bleeding. He held the knife to his knife once more his body felt far off, drifting from his world casing him to quake.

_No one loves you_

_They pity you_

The second cut was deeper, this leg grew ridged as he dragged the blade longer and slower. Still, it wasn’t enough.

_Poor Victor, can’t handle the pressures of life. Of his perfect life one that people would kill for._

_You’re dragging them down_

_Yuri is only pretending to forgive you, how can you think you deserve his forgiveness?_

The third causes him to cry out, a sob that rips through his throat as he cuts short but deep. The relief of the cuts are gone and the voices won’t stop. He wants to be alone or with Yuuri, he wants Yuuri to hold him and to talk to him about anything but he can’t. 

_He deserves better than you, someone who isn’t a pathetic bastard._

_He doesn’t love you._

_How could you ever think he could love you?_

Sobs intermixed with Makkachins whines at the door but he can’t hear them, the voice keeps getting louder. The fourth time was as bad as the third, only longer and it burned more. Tears stream down his face blurring his vision.

_Did you really think that anyone would love you?_

_You are unloveable_

_Worthless_

_Desgusting_

He brought his knees to his chest uncaring of the blood that would ruin his shirt, the Exacto-Knife slips out of his hand. The sound of it hitting the floor echoing in the small bathroom. Sobs racked his body as he comes down from the panic.

_Weak_

_Pathetic_

_Unworthy_

_Unloveable_

-

Slowly he pulls himself up and onto the counter it was hard but he was able to fumble his pants back on, the black jeans ruined by what he did. He was numb, but his mind was racing. He’d relapsed and it was bad. He had promised both Yuri’s to do better, he’d promised himself that he would get better...but now he’d thrown it away.

He limps towards the bathroom door he knows he needs to call Yuuri, he fucked up. He fucked up bad and he needs help. Once he gets the door open he hears Makkachin bark and the front door swinging open, he can hear Yuuri’s voice as he coo’s at Makka. He leans on the dresser to slowly make his way out of the room, he’ll worry about everything else later. He just needs to get to Yuuri.

“Vitya, I’m home!” Yuuri calls.

He meets Yuuri in the hallway, he starts to cry when he watches Yuuri’s face crumble as he meets him in the hallway.

“I’m so sorry-” his voice trembles as he starts to cry again, he cries harder when Yuuri rushes to him. Yuuri frantically checking him all over, he watches as Yuuri spots the blood on his shirt. The fear in Yuuri’s eyes mirrors that of Yuri’s, he’s hurt them both. He’s caused them too much pain.

“Vitya, what did you do?” he crumbles into Yuuri’s hold sobbing into Yuuri’s shoulder who holds tight to him, as if he was something to be treasured.

“I’m so sorry-” he can’t answer Yuuri all he can think about is apologizing, making this right before Yuuri rightfully leaves him.

_Weak_

_Unworthy_

_Unloveable_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp... yeah I've had a rough few days and banged out this short chapter. Sorry it was so short and that is how it ended, I am super tired now and decided adding more to this would just change the tone of this chapter too much. If that makes any sense?? Sorry I hurt our son like this... This might turn into something longer who knows?? If so what would you like to see? I have the bare bones of where I would like to go with this and it can either turn out to be a longer fic, or a short one.
> 
> So my tumblr may be out of commission but its there under this name! I also have a twitter @staronet2 (they put the two there I didn't)


	4. Get Better

_“What did you do!”_ Yuuri’s words still ran through his head even after hours had passed, he sounded so frightened-so scared. He’s hurt Yuuri and he doesn’t think he can forgive himself.

He was laying in bed curling up with Makkachin, his leg was now bandaged and his foot was propped up. Makkachin was fast asleep while Victor was not. He couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d done and what he did to Yuuri.

_“Where did you get this?” Yuuri looked at the excto-knife lying on the ground. He couldn’t bear to look at it_

_“The store.”_ he looked away from Yuuri.

_“You bought it?_

_He shook his head, unable to voice what he had done. He could already hear the hurt in Yuuri’s voice._

_“Why-Why did you buy it?” Yuuri’s voice raised almost crossing the line to yelling, he flinched back but didn’t say anything, “Victor look at me.” Yuuri’s tone was that of a parent telling off their child, basically what he was now. A child, an adult who couldn’t act like an adult, who couldn’t function._

_“I’m leaving.”_

_His head snapped up to meet Yuuri’s eyes, panic filled his chest as he tried to process what Yuuri was saying, “L-leaving?” he trailed off._

_“A walk, I’m going for a walk.” Yuuri left no room for him to talk as he watched his boyfriend grab a stack of tissues, and then grab the knife. “Just go lay down, I’ll be back in half an hour.” Yuuri’s back was turned to him as he spoke._

_“Yuuri-”_

_“No Victor, I don’t want to hear it!” Yuuri yelled at him, “Don’t do anything stupid.” he muttered before he left._

Yuuri’s words stung but he deserves it, he hurt Yuuri and Yuuri had the right to be angry at him. He knows if the situation was reversed, he would be upset as well. He grabs his phone that was resting beside the bed and hits the power button, a photo of him and Yuuri greet him. It was the photo after he and Yuuri first shared a bed together, he woke up to Yuuri resting his head on his chest. He couldn’t resist taking a photo, he was smiling as he looked down at Yuuri.

He traces Yuuri’s face with his finger, his beautiful Yuuri. How could he have hurt him? Why did he do this to Yuuri, he knew that Yuuri was doing better. Overcoming his anxieties, he even started to branch out more. He notices when Yuuri will ask Georgi a question or talk to Mila, he’s watched as Yuuri becomes friends with his new rinkmates. 

Why can’t he be like Yuuri?

The screen grew dark but he can still see Yuuri’s face. He wants to cry but just can’t bring himself to do it, he sets his phone back down before closing his eyes. Yuuri still has five minutes until he said he’d be back, and he knew if he kept looking at the clock it’d make time go by slower.

******************

He woke from his light nap to the sound of the front door shutting, Makka lifts her head and huffs at the sound. 

“I’m home.” Yuuri’s voice drifted into the room causing Makka to jump off the bed to greet her other owner, he could hear Yuuri’s coos soon after.

Carefully he slips out of bed making sure to put as little pressure as he can, slowly he limps out into the short hallway. He pauses, leaning against the wall as he watches Yuuri move about the kitchen preparing dinner. 

Yuuri looks up and they make eye contact he watches as Yuuri’s shoulders tense up, “I thought you were asleep.”

“Kind of.” he trails off not sure what he should do. Yuuri nods and starts to busy himself with getting ingredients out of the fridge, the tension in his shoulders never leaving. Victor limps over to the kitchen island and isn’t shocked when Yuuri doesn’t notice that he is standing there. He can already see the anxiety building in his fiance.

“Yuuri.” he says but Yuuri doesn’t respond, “Yuuri,” he says a little louder but only gets a hum, finally he snaps, “Yuuri!” this stops him in his tracks.

“Let's sit down.” He says softer.

“I have to make dinner.” Yuuri starts to busy himself again by pulling out a few pans.

“Yuuri, please come sit down.” he tries again.

“No Victor, I have to make dinner.” he moves to grab something out of the fridge once more.

“Yuuri, stop.” Yuuri does and turns to him, clearly frustrated with him, “What are you making?”

Yuuri surveyed what was on the counter, cheese, various vegetables, three pans, and a pot, “I don’t-” Yuuri trailed off.

“Please, moye solntse, come sit down. We can order out if you want.” Yuuri’s shoulder slump as he finally realizes that Victor is right, he nods and they make their way into the living room.

He sits at the far end of the couch giving Yuuri the space he needs, he watches as Yuuri sits at the opposite side. Yuuri brings his knees to his chest and then resting his chin on the top, he sits straight forward and away from Victor. It hurts to see him like this, moving away from him and he knows that he caused this.

He waits for Yuuri to speak, he knows that Yuuri needs time and he would gladly give him all the time in the world.

“Why?” Yuuri’s voice breaks the silence.

“I don’t-”

“Why didn’t you talk to me.” Yuuri interrupts him.

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

Yuuri quickly looks at him, “Bother me? Victor, you’re my fiance and I care about you! I told you that you can always talk to me,” he’s stunned as Yuuri continues, “Don’t you trust me?” he asks in a soft voice.

“Of course I do.” he finally finds his voice.

“Then why didn’t you say something?”

He’s silent as he looks away from Yuuri, “I didn’t want to drag you down, you’ve been getting better. You’re talking to Georgi and Mila, you don’t seem worried to go to practice anymore.”

“I told you to just be yourself, I meant it.” He looks back up to Yuuri whos gaze has softened. He nods afraid that if he opens his mouth he’ll cry.

“Can-Can you hold me?” Yuuri says.

He turns and holds his arms out, Yuuri carefully crawls into them avoiding his ankle. He sighs once they’re situated, he runs his fingers through Yuuri’s soft hair as he rests his head on his chest.

“I was scared,” Yuuri says.

“I know.” is all he can say.

“I thought for a moment I was going to lose you.”

“Yuuri-”

“No Victor,” Yuuri interrupts, “I saw blood and I thought someone had hurt you,” Yuuri holds onto him tighter, “Please don’t do that to me again. Victor, I can’t take it.” His heart breaks as he feels Yuuri’s shoulders shake, he hugs Yuuri closer and kisses the top of his head.

“I’m so sorry, moye solntse. Please believe me I am.” he tries to not cry as he talks.

“Then show me,” Yuuri whispers against his neck between small sobs.

“I will, I promise.”

He knows that they have more to talk about but instead they curl up into each other, he knows that they will figure it out. He also knows that he can’t do this anymore, he can’t keep hurting himself and Yuuri. As he comforts Yuuri letting him cry he promises himself that he will get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Star here back with more angst. Happier angst? Idk I'll let you decide, sorry if there are any mistakes it is 11 pm and I should be asleep... Basically, I had an anxiety attack today and whelp, banged this out instead of my two bang projects for the fandom... lord help me I'm way way in over my head.
> 
> My Tumblr is Staronet and my twitter is @staronet2 you can follow me on there and yell at me if you would like. I hope your day/night is going well!


	5. Support

When he opens his eyes, he knew it was going to be a bad day.

A sinking weight fills his being as he dreads having to get out of bed, today is their off day free from practice. So maybe he can convince Yuuri to let him laze in bed without causing concern for him, he feels that ache in his body at the thought of worrying Yuuri again. He hates it and knows that Yuuri doesn’t mind being there for him, but he just can’t.

No one has ever been there just for him, his brain tells him that it is a trick. That Yuuri is just saying that to be kind, just like everyone else. 

He rolls over and curls up behind Yuuri, seeking his comfort from his thoughts. It almost hurts to breath as he keeps thinking, he wants to relieve himself of it but he promised he wouldn’t. He promised Yuuri and more importantly, himself to get better.

His therapist had told him that he can be the one that he gets better for, he can get better for Yuuri while getting better for himself. It had been a week since the last time he hurt himself, Yuuri had gone back to the first time he came back from therapy. He packed everything sharp away again, this time he promised Yuuri that he wouldn’t have to do it again.

Yuuri stirs as he starts to wake, still, he held his position against Yuuri hoping that he would go back to sleep. He didn’t want Yuuri to see him this way, he knew that he couldn’t keep pretending that he was okay today. He just wanted to sink into himself and lay in bed, hopefully, fall asleep. It would be nice to escape this sinking feeling.

Yuuri wakes and turns to face him, he still doesn’t move.

“Good morning,” Yuuri says as he moves closer, he wraps his arms around Victor who gives in and holds him back. They stay like for a few minutes, content in just holding each other as they slowly wake up. He hopes that Yuuri doesn’t feel how on edge he is, his jaw is clenched tight and legs pulled up tight against his body.

“Bad day?” Yuuri whispers as he runs his fingers through his hair, bringing a small sigh from him.

He chuckled, “You always see right through me.”

Yuuri kisses his forehead, “As do you to me,” Yuuri says, “We should shower and then you can come lay out on the couch and I will make us breakfast.”

He shook his head, he knew that Yuuri was doing what he always did. When Yuuri wakes up to his anxiety, he always makes sure that Yuuri’s needs are taken care of before he cuddles him as they watch tv. Sometimes Yuuri can’t take the noise so he’ll read to him, or even not talk at all. He’ll run his hand back and forth on his back letting Yuuri know that he loves him.  
Yuuri quickly pulls him from the bed and into the shower, he lets Victor shower on his own and for that, he is thankful for. He needs a moment to himself, he mostly just stands under the water as he lets it warm him up from a chill he didn’t know was there before. He washes methodically and then leaves the shower to where Yuuri wraps a towel around him.

With a kiss Yuuri sends him into the bedroom to get dressed, he smiles softly as Yuuri had laid out a fresh pair of clothes for him. He knows that if Yuuri hadn’t done that he wouldn’t put on the same sweats and t-shirt from last night. By the time he dresses Yuuri is out of the shower, he sits on the bed as he watches Yuuri walk out clad in only a towel.

“What are you looking at?” Yuuri tilts his head to the side as he looks back at Victor.

He smiles as he watches Yuuri pull up his pants, “Admiring the view.” he watches as light blush decorates Yuuri’s cheeks.

Yuuri slips on his shirt, “Flatter.” he says as he leans down a kisses his lips, he grabs his hand and they walk to the living room. Once there Yuuri moves away from Victor to start working on making breakfast, he watches for a moment until Makkachin comes to his side. 

He leans down a gives her a scratch behind her ears before he softly talks to her, she wags her tell as he leads her over to her food bowls. He gives her some food and takes the water dish to give her some fresh water. Even when he would get bad he would still take care of her, sometimes she was the only one who could get him out of bed in the mornings.

Once he places her dish back he walks over to the couch and lays down, he curls up in a ball and listens to Yuuri as he makes breakfast. He can hear him humming to himself, he has always thought it was adorable. He doubts Yuuri himself knows that he does it and he won’t ever say anything about it, knowing Yuuri he’d get embarrassed by it and stop. He couldn’t have that as he closes his eyes and drifts off with Yuuri’s humming in the background.

“Breakfast is ready.” Yuuri is next to him with two plates on the coffee table, he lets Yuuri help him sit up. Once he is ready Yuuri hands him a plate with eggs and a piece of toast on the side, he gives a soft smile to Yuuri before he starts to eat. He’s glad that Yuuri gave him something light to eat as the sinking feeling in his gut won’t let him eat anything but light, he glances at Yuuri he is looking down at his phone. He smiles and decides if everything he’s ever done lead him to Yuuri, he would never change a thing.

They ate in silence, only broken by Yuuri’s snickering and Makkachin’s squeaky toy as she rough houses with it. Once breakfast finishes he ignores Yuuri’s protests and gathers up all of the dishes, he doesn’t do them instead leaving them in the sink. He knows that he doesn’t have the energy to do them right now, instead, he wants to lay down with Yuuri and just forget the world exists for on,e day.

“Do you want the blinds open?” Yuuri says as he cracks the windows open, for once it is a nice day outside. Still a bit chilly but once you go moving it felt great.

“Close?” he hopes that Yuuri wants the same thing, he feels that feeling again as it claws at his chest. He doesn’t want to disappoint Yuuri or make him do something just because of him.

Yuuri hums and closes the blinds, light still seeps in and the blinds sway with the breeze which lets in a bit more of the light. He lays down and opens his arms to Yuuri who gladly falls into them, he hugs his Yuuri close and nuzzles his head causing Yuuri to laugh. He loves the sound of Yuuri’s laugh, it's one of the best sounds in the world to him.

“Do you want to watch tv?” Yuuri asks.

He starts to run his fingers through Yuuri’s hair, “Whatever you want to do my love, as long as you’re in my arms I don’t care.”

Yuuri flicks on the tv and changes it to a western film, which one he doesn’t know because the entire time he’s focused on Yuuri. His beautiful Yuuri who takes care of him has stuck by his side and still loves him after everything. He pulls Yuuri closer as the cuddle on the couch.

He’s not better yet, a may never truly be, but as long as he has Yuuri to support him at his side. He knows that he can do anything, and that includes getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had an anxiety attack basically all day, as soon as I leave my dorm I have anxiety. I am sleepy with sleep meds kicking in but I was able to bang out a short chapter. I hope you enjoy!

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I wrote this like weeks ago and actually posted it, but no one read it or even left a kudo after they did so I deleted it. After all this is a vent fic that I projected my feelings onto my poor son because I am an asshole. I have a lotta fluff if you wanna go read that or I have more angsty stuff...
> 
> I've been up for 26 hours and I am thinking this is a great idea to post this... lets see how rested me feels about that. I also edited this right before I posted it so sorry.
> 
> I'm on tumblr @staronet and Twitter @staronet2


End file.
